I have COVID.
I debated sharing this information because it still feels shameful to say. Logically, I know that's not true. It's not a shameful thing to get sick, but it feels like I failed in some way. I also fear that I spread it to a friend and that also feels shameful. Now we took precautions, but it still spread.
Now I feel mostly fine. Truly. Please don't worry about that; my vaccine and booster did their job and taught my body what to do. I have a small cough, but that's it. I was having a friend come over and figured I should tell her and ask her if she wanted me to test. I figured I was fine because no one I knew had tested positive and it was the tiniest cough. She said she'd prefer if I could test just to be sure. Now I had a home test so I did so and then I checked and saw the pink and blue lines. I triple checked the instructions to be sure that that meant a positive result. Surely, it had to be wrong. I couldn't have gotten COVID, I had been careful. I had tested negative just a few days ago. But the pink and blue lines were clear: I had COVID.
I called my mom and cried a bit. The first things that came to mind were: one, that I could have infected my friends and two, that I was going to miss Christmas. It wouldn't come to my mind until much later that I could suffer long term side effects. While on the phone with my mom, I messaged a lot of people saying that I had tested positive and that I was sorry. As someone with anxiety, I immediately had the fear that everyone was mad at me and blaming me. Plenty of people immediately reassured me that that wasn't the case but, as anxiety is often irrational, that only did so much to assuage my fears.
I later spoke to my brother and he said that we would videochat me into Christmas and we would still spend time together and it would be okay. But I knew it wouldn't be the same. I think something we've all learned throughout the pandemic is that while Zoom is great, it's just not the same as being in person. Plus, what I really wanted when I was upset was a hug, but I couldn't get one. I also have this week off of work and I was looking forward to hanging out with people and maybe going to a museum or two, but those won't be things I'm doing. Well, I will be hanging out with people on Zoom, but, as I mentioned, it's not the same.
It wasn't until a friend mentioned the possible long term effects that I thought of them. Not sure what that says about me and my priorities but that's the truth. We don't know the full long term effects yet so we can't know what will come of it. Somehow my mind keeps flashing to The Children of Men and I'm like, maybe this is how humanity ends. Maybe this is how we all go sterile. Anxiety sure is fun, isn't it? So yeah, that's not a rational thought, but it is a thought that keeps going through my head.
When I go outside to walk my dog, I'm grateful that I get to go outside, but I'm also worried when I pass people. What if I spread COVID to even more people? Again, this isn't rational as I'm masked, outside, and just passing people, but still. I wish I could have a big flashing sign that says: COVID Positive-STAY AWAY.
I ultimately decided to do this post to share my experience. A part of me is still nervous that people will look at me differently after this post, but I hope that is just my anxiety acting up (don't worry, I'm going to talk to my therapist about it when I see her on Wednesday).
In short, get tested if you feel even the slightest bit sick, get vaccinated and boosted, and wear an intense mask.
(Prompt by me)
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