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Your One True Nemesis

"Your honor, I plead not guilty."

"That's ludicrous!" shouted someone from the crowd in the courtroom. "There is literally a video of him murdering Samuel Blackwood!"

That was true enough, I thought, but before I could reply my lawyer stepped in. "Your honor, please ask that the crowd in the courtroom be quiet, my client is allowed to plead as he wishes."

The gavel banged loudly three times, "Order in my courtroom or be escorted out. I will hear the prosecution on bail."

"We request remand, your honor. We have security camera footage as well as various cell phone videos that show the defendant murdering Samuel Blackwood."

"Your honor, my client was under the impression at the time that Samuel Blackwood was his one true nemesis and thus thought his actions were not only justified, but sanctioned by law."

"He was wearing an alligator skin fedora!" I burst out, "How was I not supposed to think he was my nemesis?" My lawyer than grabbed my shoulder and tried to get me to shush, but really he didn't understand, I bet he's never met his nemesis.

Everyone in the world has a one true nemesis that they loathe on sight, but because the world is so big most people never meet them. On the rare occasions that the two hateful souls meet, they immediately attack each other for the hate deep in their hearts is just too strong to ignore. When I saw Samuel Blackwood for the first time three months ago, I thought I was one of the lucky ones who would get to engage their nemesis in combat. There he was, wearing a leopard print kimono over a set of what looked to be home-made Trump 2020 pajamas, segwaying across the grass of a dog park, nearly hitting at least five dogs. He then almost hit another when his alligator skin fedora (which had a peacock feather sticking out of it) tumbled off his head and swerved around to retrieve it.

Everything about him filled me with such instant, putrid hate that I knew, I knew he had to be my one true nemesis. A feral roar escaped me as I charged towards him with my umbrella extended. I dismounted him from that hateful vehicle like a triumphant knight, and when he looked into my eyes I could tell he knew who I was too. My dog joined in on the fight, giving me a much needed advantage for even though he seemed incapable of traversing short distances without his horrid segway, he was surprisingly strong. I guess evil gives people a certain strength.

"Your honor, if Mr. Chast is allowed to go around killing everyone he believes is his one true nemesis, then we are setting a very dangerous precedent."

"We're not arguing the ruling at this moment, your honor, just whether my client should be released until trial."

"And you would have someone who was wrong about his one true nemesis just wander the streets freely?"

As it turns out, there is a way to check if someone is your one true nemesis, but most people don't do it. You are born with a matching birthmark. Now obviously this is different for everyone, but mine is on my left ankle and is in the shape of pumpkin. It turns out that Samuel Blackwood's was on his right elbow and in the shape of the words 'Well, actually' because of course it was.

"My client will submit to electronic monitoring," my lawyer argued, "and will surrender his passport."

Nervous, I glanced into the courtroom and saw someone moving to leave. The cuff of his pants rode up a bit and I saw the glimpse of what looked like a pumpkin.

Here we go again.

(Prompt by Ruairi Kennedy)

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