Who wouldn't be angry you ate all of my cereal and and faked your death for three years!

"Who wouldn't be angry you ate all of my cereal and and faked your death for three years!"

"Are you equally mad about both of those things?"

"You don't get to question my emotions right now. I thought you were dead!"

"Well it was necessary, I promise."

"Okay so what happened?"

"Oooh I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about that yet."

"You aren't ready."

"Yeah."

"Hrm, you know what?"

"What?"

"I don't think you get to make that decision right now. You owe me."

"Because I faked my own death or because I ate all of your cereal?"

"Okay, under most circumstances, just one of those would be enough, but right now it's both."

"I would need to explain to you why I ate all of your cereal even if there was no other thing I did?"

"Yeah, I think so. I have a lot of cereal so eating all of it would require some kind of explanation."

"I suppose that's true. You do spend too much money on cereal."

"Are we really talking about this right now?"

"Why not?"

"Because you faked your own death and I'm still waiting to hear any sort of a reason."

"Okay, fine. I suppose I do owe you an explanation...I did eat all of your cereal."

"Are you making a joke right now?"

"Maybe."

"Stop it."

"I can't promise that."

"Do you not owe me that too after all of these years?"

"So just because I ate all of your cereal, I have to tell you why I faked my own death and not joke?"

"The cereal isn't the point!"

"You sure did mention it though."

"Okay, I'll stop bringing it up, but tell me where you've been."

"Where I've been or why I faked my own death?"

"I'm gonna go with you have to do both."

"Fine."

"Okay, so tell me."

"So remember when I used to be a delivery guy?"

"Yeah, that's what you were doing right before you fake died."

"Right so I mostly did just deliver food, but there was one time there was something weird in a pizza delivery."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, there were these little baggies with something kinda powdery in them."

"Could you tell what it was?"

"Well I wasn't sure, but I figured it couldn't be good so I threw them out. I didn't want to be a drug delivery guy, you know?"

"Sure."

"So I ditched the things, but then the guy I delivered the pizza to asked me if the place had forgotten anything and I got really worried so I just stuttered that I didn't think so. He rolled his eyes and said he'd make a call and then closed the door in my face without giving me a tip."

"So you thought it was a drug thing?"

"Well at first I thought I was being paranoid. But then each time I ditched the packets, the customer was annoyed. Then my boss told me that we had to talk and I just knew he had to be a kingpin so I faked my own death."

"Why did you come back then?"

"Well while I was on the run, I ordered a pizza."

"What a colossally dumb thing to do if you think a kingpin wants you dead."

"But wait, let me finish. When I got the pizza, there were little powdery packets. I thought this was a sign that I had been found, but I asked the delivery guy what they were and he told me they were--"

"Parmesan."

"How did you know?"

"Because a ton of pizza places do that, you idiot!"

"Okay, well I didn't know that."

"You were a food delivery guy! How could you not know!"

"Okay, so I'm unobservant. Sue me."

"I can't believe you...So why did you eat all of my cereal?"

"Oh, I thought me screwing with you would let you know I was still alive. So really, I should be mad at you for not understanding my clue when you think about it."

(Prompt sent by Katie Durr)