So this is going to be a pretty personal post and I totally get it if you don't want to read it. I was hesitant to do this prompt, but I want to be more open in this blog and a lot of the prompts I was gifted are personal in nature so I figured this was a good first step. Again though, no pressure to read this.
The last time I cried was in therapy (woo therapy!). I'm actually in between therapists right now because of dumb insurance mumbo jumbo, but I had one more session before the gap I'm currently in. The truth is that I can't remember exactly what prompted me to start crying. But my therapist said something and I started to get emotional. I told my therapist that I was getting emotional and she asked why.
The truth was that whatever we were talking about related to body image. I have struggled with my body image since I was about eleven and it's only gotten worse in recent years because I have gained a fair amount of weight (I'm not looking for people to tell me I haven't as that would just be a lie). I rarely think of myself as attractive or beautiful or cute (not that this never happens to be clear, but it's just rare). Most days I just think "eh, good enough." With my previous therapist we uncovered that a core belief of mine was that I didn't love myself enough and that is really reflected in my body image issues.
I started to tear up at the thought of my poor body image. I don't think this was the time I revealed that I often talk to myself (in my head) in very ugly ways, but the truth is I do so when body image gets brought up that's what gets brought up for me. When I tear up sometimes it's a surprise and this one was. I didn't expect to cry during this session as I thought we'd mostly talk about how the insurance mumbo jumbo was going but suddenly I felt the tears pushing against my eyes and the gentle pressure in my chest of sadness and then the tears came into my voice.
I hate crying in front of people. I always feel like I'm ruining their day or making them feel awkward. I've gotten better at crying in front of therapists because I figure they've seen crazier things and I'm literally paying them to help me deal with my emotions so crying has to be in their job description. This doesn't mean that I don't get embarrassed. I feel like I don't want to cry and I often do things like small fiddlings with my hands to try and stop. I also often avoid eye contact. I'm not sure why I do this except maybe that it's part of my embarrassment.
I remember looking away from my therapist when crying this time. I was grateful in some ways that we were just on video chat so that I didn't have the added pressure of her gaze in real life. But then again, I remember wishing she could hand me a tissue (not that I couldn't have gotten one myself, I just wish someone could've offered me tangible comfort in that moment).
Tangible comfort would've been nice, especially if it had come in the form of a hug. I realize that therapists (for good reasons) don't hug their clients, but I still would've appreciated something I could touch in that moment. I guess that's something that's important in my love languages is something tangible or clearly seen (I think my main love language is acts of service followed by gifts but maybe I should take a quiz or something to figure it out). Words are nice, but my mind can always twist them into something else. When people comfort me about my body image I often just hear kind lies or truths told only through rose tinted glasses. Those who love me don't see me as those who don't (nor should they) and don't always understand what I'm trying to say. I have also found in my history that I can usually talk people down off complimenting me. This is again something my brain can twist itself to do and I don't appreciate it being such a gymnast yet it is what it is.
I also remember wanting to cry more. I often feel like I have cries trapped inside me that I just don't know how to let out. I have plenty of time by myself to reflect, but it doesn't mean I can. How do people just open up their emotions when they want to? How do you find the time to unburden yourself? I just feel like I am either completely crying or completely locked up. Where are the keys? I suppose that's another reason why I'm in therapy is to find those keys.
The crying didn't last long. I had to suck it up and get back to work that day, as I usually do after therapy. I'm glad that I work from home though so I don't have to explain my puffy eyes or tears stained cheeks.
Anyways, I hope you got something out of this. I realize it wasn't very well written but hopefully it either helped you get to know me better or helped you think about something within yourself. I love you all for reading.
(Prompt provided by Amelia Sacco)
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