Well I promised I'd be more open on this blog so here it goes.
There are two main things that I feel (emphasis on feel) are holding me back right now. One is more within my control than the other.
First, the thing that is more out of my control. My dad is dying. There is no way around it, that's how it is. Now exactly how quickly he is dying is up for much debate among every doctor we talk to, but the prognosis isn't good is what they all agree on. I feel (again emphasis on feel) this holds me back in a few ways. One, I feel (boy I'm saying that a lot) that I need to stay where I am in a lot of ways. I want to stay in my apartment because of how close it is to him (although I did consider moving but nothing could beat this place and I never considered moving out of my neighborhood and certainly not my city). I want to stay in my job because it provides me the flexibility and bereavement leave that works for his condition and my team is very understanding (for other reasons too but I do feel like I need to stay because of these reasons). Two, I have no idea how to bring this up in dating which makes me feel a bit paralyzed in that pursuit. How do you bring up a dying parent? Don't get me wrong, this is far from the hardest thing about having a dying parent but it comes up all the same. I don't want to push too much emotional labor too early but I also don't want to keep it hidden like it's a shameful secret because I have nothing to be ashamed for (though sometimes I feel that way but that's for another post). Three, there are parts of me that feel that I should be dedicating more of my life to my dad right now. How long will he be here? Who knows? Maybe I should be getting in more time with him, but it's all very complicated and something I talk at length about in therapy. How am I meant to be building a life when I feel like my life should be all about him? There are probably other ways that this feels like something arresting my development but those are what I can think of now.
Second, the thing that is more in my control. I struggle with my self-esteem. This is something else I am working on, I promise. But the truth is that when I look in the mirror I don't see someone that I value enough. I don't think I am enough in many ways. I sometimes struggle with basic adulting and that might honestly be because I'm not sure I deserve all of what basic adulting provides. Do I deserve to have a clean apartment? Groceries? Washed hair? Brushed teeth? I'm not in desperate straights here, let me be clear, but I did have to get my mom to help me clean my apartment the other night (she was very kind). I also don't say kind things to myself. I talk to myself like I would never talk to anyone else and that has to be because I don't have strong enough self-esteem. Again, I want to assure you all that I am in therapy and working on these things. I think this holds me back in a lot of ways. One, dating. I doubt even though I'm talking to several guys on different apps that anyone is actually interested in me. How could they be with the way I look? Who would want me? That may sound harsh, but that's how I talk to myself (in fact I often say worse things than that to myself). Two, work. I constantly wonder if I'm good enough for my job. Am I doing enough? Am I being enough? Three, friends. Am I a good enough friend? Shouldn't I be doing more? Shouldn't I be helping more? Why haven't I hosted in so long? Surely, everyone is secretly mad at me but they're too nice to say it. Four, like I talked about, basic adulting. Some of this also comes from being a bit overwhelmed at times from things like, well, what I talked about in the previous paragraph: having a dying parent. But I do think some of it comes from low self-esteem.
Well that was all really personal, sorry. Well not sorry exactly, but you know what I mean (maybe?). I'm trying to be more open about what I'm going through so there it is. I hope you got something out of this even if it was just getting to know me a bit better.
I love you for reading this and please know that I am getting help. I am always here for you if you need to talk.
(Prompt provided by Amelia Sacco)
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