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A letter to my future self

Dear Future Holly, 

How is it going? I hope better than now. I don't imagine perfect, but that would be pretty crazy. I hope taking a look back is somehow validating or healing or at least something positive (even if it's mixed with sadness).

Right now, you are struggling with a lot. Everyone has their own struggles, but you have been dealing with more than is normal for your age (31) or so it feels.

Your body image issues are at their worst and you weight the most you've ever weighed (that's just the truth). You avoid even thinking about your body so that you don't get upset. You're working on it though. I hope you've continued to work on it. But I understand if it's still a struggle, your issues are very deep. Know that I love you, no matter how you look. Looks aren't what's most important anyways, right?

Your dad is very sick. There is nothing you could've done about this that you didn't already do. I know it doesn't always feel that way, but that's the truth. He's in good hands, but that doesn't mean it's not difficult. I don't know how far in the future you'll be reading this, but chances are that he's gone now. Know that he loved you the best he could and you did the best you could with what you had.

Work is...well...work. It's not the most fulfilling but you took a step when you took this job and that's not nothing. It won't be your final step, of that I'm sure. Maybe you've found your forever job now, but even if you haven't, that's okay. It's a long road and it's okay if you're not at the end of it.

You're taking the steps to become a mother. Freezing your eggs is a scary and somewhat fraught process. Yes, this isn't how you dreamed of having kids, but fulfilling the dream of having kids is more important than waiting for the perfect time and perfect scenario. I hope you got through all of the injections and procedures okay. They seem pretty scary right now, but I have faith you'll get through them. If things went differently though, that's okay. I'm sure you did your best.

Let's also look back on some good notes.

You have Hoban now and while he's not perfect, he loves you completely and you love him the same. The initial bumps and bruises of having a dog replace Velma have been navigated and while you'll always love Velma, you're allowing yourself to find comfort with your new dog.

Your friends love you. I hope you're still in touch with them, but I understand that life makes things change and I'm sure everyone did their best to stay in touch. Even if you're not in touch, I'm sure you still think of them fondly and have a lot of love for them.

You're writing and reading! This is great! Yes, it's not what you dreamed, but progress and practice are important. If you haven't written in a while, that's okay, but maybe try and write something--anything--today. If you haven't read in a while, remember that that was also true in the past and you found your way back to reading. Remember that audiobooks and graphic novels are good ins when you want to read but are lacking energy.

You have 6 (count 'em 6!) niblings (though you don't like that word) and have two more due soon! What a large family your family will have to grow up with even if there is distance. Think of all the support you can reach out to if you want to.

You're working on yourself! You've been in therapy (almost) continuously since 2016 and have been working hard. Maybe you're still in therapy and maybe you're not. If you are, that doesn't mean you have failed at therapy, it just means that level of support is important to you. If you aren't, I hope it's because you have other healthy outlets for stress, anxiety, and depression.

I wish we could find another way to talk (hey, for all I know the future has figured this out--anything is possible, right?), but maybe this letter will mean something to you. I hope it at least made you smile if you manage to dig it up sometime in the future.

I hope you know that your past self (me) was trying their best and wanted you to thrive. I also hope you know that your past self is proud of you, no matter where you are because you're doing your best, you always do (yes, even when you don't think you do).

Consider writing a letter back to me, maybe it will spark something.

Either way, like I said before, I hope you're well.

With Love,

Past Holly

(Prompt inspired by a ChatGPT prompt)

"6 of Roger Puta's Very Unconventional Santa Fe Slides" by Marty Bernard


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