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Starting my parental journey, part 2

You can read part 1 here.

Yesterday I began the next step of my parental journey. Ironically, it was starting birth control. This medicine helps prepare my ovaries for the egg retrieval process. It was weird taking the pill to prepare for my fertility journey because you typically think of the pill as ensuring you don't get pregnant. Obviously, I'm not getting pregnant now, but I am getting ready for that eventual possibility.

There have also been various bureaucratic issues that I've been dealing with. Mostly insurance stuff (as I'm sure comes as no surprise). But, thanks to a new benefit at work that started 1/1/24, my journey will be (mostly) covered. While, again, there were some bureaucratic hurdles that I had to overcome in order for this to all work out, I am immensely glad that it did work out.

I am nervous though.

In part I'm nervous about a lot of the practicalities of this step in my journey. For instance, I will have to inject myself with various medications. I'm nervous about literally injecting myself. Not really the pain as I don't think there will be much, but I just worry about doing it wrong and messing up the whole process and having to start over or stop entirely.

Additionally, I'm nervous about side effects and my emotions going into the this step in the process. I'm preparing my friend and family support network for what I might need (food, company, reassurance, etc.) as well as my psychiatrist and therapist for what I might need (meds adjustment, more frequent sessions, etc.). I guess you could say I'm rallying the troops. I'm proud of myself for looking out for my needs but that doesn't mean that I'm not nervous. What if I become a huge jerk and alienate people? What if I'm too emotional to continue? What if my depression and anxiety gets worse?

I'm also nervous about anesthesia. Because of my weight, I have to undergo an extra consult about it. I've only been under anesthesia, as far as I know, when I was too little to remember and required two surgeries on my hand (you can ask about the story if you want). My understanding is that I will be in a twilight sleep so not full general anesthesia. I honestly worry that I'll say something awful while drugged. Maybe this is irrational but I also worry that worrying about it will make it happen because it'll be on my mind. What if I say something unforgivable while coming out of anesthesia? Don't worry, I'm going to talk to my therapist about this fear.

So, as you can see, I'm nervous about a fair bit. I think this is fair to be nervous about this as it's a huge step, but I want to reign it in a bit and make it manageable. 

Then there is also the emotionality of this not being how I envisioned things for myself. I had hoped by this age I'd at least be in a relationship headed towards marriage and children, but here I am. Single and freezing my eggs. I'm trying to reframe it as me taking a bold step for my life goals, but it's difficult.

I'll write more as I continue this journey.

(Prompt by me)

"Pregnancy/Baby Bump" by Alabama Extension


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