I'm angry

I'm angry.

And I don't (at the moment) want to be talked out of it.

I struggle, often, with expressing or even just sitting with my emotions. I feel like even the photo I chose for this post was more reserved or toned down than how I feel. 

But, this is my trying.

I'm not going to time this post, just going to write until I feel done, whenever that may be.

In this post, I'm going to focus on the anger I feel around my dad and my dad's death. Though, don't get me wrong, I'm also angry about a lot of things going on in my city, in my country, and in the world.

My dad chose alcohol over me and my brother.

There is no way around this fact.

Yes, when I am less angry, I can be more reasonabl and recognize that addiction is a disesase and he didn't have control over it.

But, right now, I want to be angry. I want to get to be angry. I want to get to feel my feelings.

I don't want to rationalize, I don't want to be reasonable, I don't want to be fair.

I am angry.

My dad died and put me through Hell, quite often (especially in the last 10ish years). I saw him beyond drunk to the point where I hardly recognized him. I was scared of him because, surely, this was a person I didn't know. And, because I didn't know him, I couldn't trust him.

I saw him angry. I saw him sad. I saw him indifferent.

I have other emotions tangled up in this, but right now I'm focusing on my anger. This is, in part, because one of my therapists suggested I give my anger the microphone and see what happens.

I'm still clenching my jaw, so I'm clearly still uncomfortable with letting my anger out even in a platform like this, which is only read by those who love me.

I feel often that I am talked out of being angry. Yes, this is often by myself, but it is sometimes by other people. I'm not angry because of this. I understand. Anger is difficult to handle. It's often labeled as a negative emotion and thus is something that should be "fixed."

But, right now, for this post, I just want to try and be in touch with my anger.

Wow I keep moving away from this tab and this writing.

That's how difficult anger is for me. I try to avoid it, to hide it, to rationalize it away.

But I want to know that it's okay to be angry at my dad. Even if he was doing his best. Even if alcholism is a disease. Even if I could be fairer to him.

I want to know that my emotions are okay.

That it's safe to express them.

I think I'm done now, but thanks for listening/reading.

(Prompt by me)

Photo by Intricate Explorer on Unsplash