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Thoughts on The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City season 1, episode 1

So, full disclosure, I did watch this already before re-watching to write this post, but that should tell you how into this show I am.

  1. The narration is so close to the mocking voice in which I read the description of this episode
  2. I wonder how the Mormon Church feels about this show
  3. When I heard about Mary and her grandpa I at first hoped her grandma was a cougar and he hadn't been in her life a long time...but there are photos of her as a little girl sitting on his knee
  4. I would love a man who cooks like Jen's husband
  5. "In Utah, I'm black because they don't know any better." BURN
  6. Uh, Jen, what did you do for the breakfast?
  7. I love how Jen and her husband don't even agree on if their 24 year old son should get a job
  8. The brothers are clearly close and I love it
  9. I'm glad that Jen left Mormonism when she found out how they didn't let Black people in for a long time
  10. "As-Salaam-Alaikum, bitches"
  11. Jen, you cannot contract AIDS from kissing
  12. Jen's kids are hilarious
  13. Yikes it's rough to say that perfection is attainable
  14. It should say something when you refer to someone being a henchman to a Mormon leader
  15. Are we...are we just gonna skip past the part where Heather said the church doesn't want her to love Black men and homosexuals?
  16. I mean there are dangerous animals in the wilderness
  17. CHICAGO
  18. Um, excuse you, Meredith? Chicagoans are friendly
  19. Wait...if you moved here for Seth's business, why is he doing business in Chicago?
  20. Scar Jo wasn't even wearing jewelry in the picture set of celebrities who love Meredith's jewelry
  21. Seth...if you wanted more sex maybe you should be at home more
  22. I would like to say all Chicagoans are not this dumb about animal prints
  23. Hustle is a weird decoration in a young kid's room
  24. Lisa...did you just insult your kid's hair when he just woke up?
  25. Lisa, your mom is weird...who actually gets excited about missionaries?
  26. It's mean to put clothes on your dog just for cuteness if they hate it
  27. Wow Lisa owns a lot of tequila brands with words from the first semester of Spanish class
  28. Yes, Taco Bell breakfast
  29. Okay...you do realize Lisa that you can sit at the dinner table with takeout or delivery, right?
  30. Jen is so much
  31. SWEATING IS NORMAL
  32. Jen is already being told that her plan for a party doesn't sound like it's for the person it is supposedly in honor of
  33. Whitney's dress doesn't look like $6,000
  34. Okay if you were wearing your high school prom dress, an 18 year age difference is TOO MUCH
  35. Whitney's father's hair is AWFUL
  36. I mean considering Joseph Smith was murdered...I'm not sure how good of a job your grandfather did at being a bodyguard
  37. Um...was Whitney's father watching her pole dance?
  38. Jen...you have to let your assistants eat
  39. A three foot tall cake is amazing
  40. Now while I don't like chocolate with raspberry...lots of people do
  41. Jen they probably hate it because of how much work you make them do on short notice
  42. Jen, I hope you pay well
  43. I think people in Salt Lake mix you two up because there aren't that many ethnically Jewish women there
  44. Jen continues to be so much
  45. Lisa...it's so harsh to say tha tyou don't remember Heather from college when you're on this TV show together and someone is going to find photos of you two together
  46. Lisa, it's RUDE to say that Heather would flash her tits
  47. Mary's outfit is insane and I love it
  48. Okay I need to mention now that I've learned that Mary is kind of a cult leader
  49. Mary the jacket makes you happy because it is Dolce Gabbana
  50. MARY MARRIED HER STEP-GRANDFATHER
  51. I WILL NEVER BE OVER THIS
  52. Jen is correct that this shit is weird
  53. It is a bit weird to me to inherit a church
  54. So this city has the greatest religious diversity I think. There are people who practice Mormonism (both born and converted), Judaism, Pentecostalism, and no religion
  55. Mary said Jen smelled like hospital
  56. Mary says the smell takes her to a dark place, but just wait to find out what it is
  57. Jen was with her aunt who was losing her legs for context
  58. Mary, does God approve of you just saying mean stuff?
  59. Jen has a microphone to yell at her staff
  60. Jen, do you call your house a ski chalet?
  61. Jen has at least three assistants and, as far as I can tell, does not have a job
  62. Jen is throwing this gigantic and expensive party without telling her husband
  63. I love that Heather is saying that Brigham Young University isn't a real school
  64. Also, there is no way that Heather would've gotten away with flashing at BYU
  65. "She's Mormon bullshit"
  66. Okay it does look like Meredith's son was creepily romancing his mother
  67. HOW DOES HE NOT KNOW WHO PRINCE IS
  68. The display on the table does look like a coffin
  69. It's pretty harsh to not come home for her birthday when it's clearly important to her
  70. "It's from your husband, my father"
  71. You'd be 35 with a 21 year old son
  72. Bo pretends to love you Jen because you pay your large party bills
  73. What was that random fish sculpture?
  74. Who is this random old lady that looks like Sia?
  75. Ugh that poor server who is being felt up and told he's soft
  76. Keeping the welcome mat is odd for a club vibe
  77. It really says something that people are already confused about whose birthday it is
  78. Mary's outfit is ridiculous...like just wearing a bunch of designer stuff all at once doesn't mean it's fashionable
  79. Jen is not even subtly making this party about her
  80. Haha so Whitney said she'd cut her husband's dick off if he missed her birthday...cool?
  81. How do you think pubic hair would get onto food from a shirtless man?
  82. Yes, Jen does have a grand entrance at someone else's birthday party
  83. I cannot believe that Jen flew these dancers in from Tonga
  84. Okay...so why did Mary need all of her odor glands removed
  85. "I don't care if I need a nose job, I'm not going to a hospital"
  86. Mary...it's worse to say that Jen smells like hospital than to say it smells like hospital in here
  87. Keri wants to be on the show proper
  88. Mary you literally asked if Keri was there so she could explain and now you're asking why she's there
  89. Mary is so awful for saying that Jen's aunt should've just drunk water and she would've been fine
  90. Yes Heather chug that wine
  91. "I'm feeling like a Ferari"
  92. "Thou shall not look at porn"
  93. Someone is always cheating on Real Housewives
  94. Yes, outdoor tub time
  95. This will be an amazing season

(Prompt by me)

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Bravo

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