What are you dreading?

Note that this is a heavy post. TW/CW: death of a parent, alcoholism.

So there is an obvious thing I'm dreading in my life and that is the death of my father. Last week my brother and I were told not to expect more than six months. Now we have to take this with a grain of salt as we were told a similar thing before. However, that was before he was receiving treatment and now he has been receiving top notch treatment for about two years. On the flip side, he's also always teetering on the edge of a catastrophic event so he could die very quickly at any moment.

Last week we had the conversation about whether to put him on hospice and ultimately decided against it as it would preclude treatment for what he's most recently been to the hospital for and that seems like too big of a sacrifice at this point. However, I went to go visit him this past Sunday and he was so exhausted he couldn't sit up for more than three minutes (I timed it). The fact that this is his life now is just unbelievably horrible to me. I can't even fathom how horrible it is. He thinks he lives in isolation because he can't remember seeing anyone else. He thinks no one helps him because he doesn't remember them helping him. Yet he still asks why he's there and how long he'll have to be there. He doesn't know he's sick; he doesn't understand that he's dying.

And should I try and explain it to him? I tend to think not as I don't see what good it would really do. Sure, in the moment he'd be aware, but I doubt he could retain the information long enough to communicate anything about last wishes or if he wants to have a DNR (my thought based on other moments with him is that he wouldn't want a DNR, but maybe he would feel differently if he knew his current state). I dread explaining this to him and I dread being there when others explain it to him

And beyond dreading the actual moment of death--for I fear I will be present and alone for it--are all of the things I'm dreading after. I dread having to explain it to a future partner for fear it'll be too much baggage. I dread having to tell everyone. I dread having an emptiness in my life. I dread that I'll fall apart. I dread that I won't be able to take care of Hoban due to my sadness. I dread him not being at my wedding. I dread my kids having one less grandparent. I dread having to have a serious talk with my kids about why they can't experiment with and need to be careful with alcohol. I dread never seeing him again. I dread the grief that will come with it. I dread that I'll feel some sense of relief. I dread, I dread, I dread.

(Prompt provided by Brianna Aaron)

"St Andrews graveyard" by David Howard

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