15 punny/funny ways to break bad news to people

Yes, these would be inappropriate. I also definitely stole some.

"Here's some cheese." "What?" "Well when I break the news, you're going to wine."
"So we can cremate your father, which I think would be most appropriate." "Why?" "Cause he always wanted a smokin' hot bod."
"He doesn't appreciate my fruity humor." "Girl, you gotta let that mango."
"I hate to tell you this, but your boyfriend is like stairs." "What?" "He's always up to something."
"Your wedding photos turned out grainy." "Why?" "Cause you insisted we shoot in a wheat field."
"You'll never be a doctor because you don't have enough patience."
"I'm sorry, but I can't marry you right now. I'm a melon." "What?" "I cantaloupe."
"Your breakfast was waffle."
"You're about to be a horse." "What, doctor?" "After I tell you your medical news, you're going to have a long face."
"I'm glad you're a duck." "What?" "I'm putting this all on your bill."
"You must be a naughty rabbit." "Huh?" "You're having a bad hare day."
"You're like a dairy cow that can't produce milk." "What?" "An udder failure."
"I don't know why I'm not getting dates. My opening line is hey." "Well people don't want to date horses."
"Have some tequila. It probably won't fix your night, but it's worth a shot."
"Your father, the cartoonist, was found dead." "Oh no, what happened?" "Details are sketchy."

(Prompt by Lucy Wright)

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