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Burning your tongue: When was the last time you took a sip too soon (metaphorically speaking)?

Original prompt: Burning your tongue: Texting your ex. A hot take. Unsolicited advice. When was the last time you took a sip too soon (metaphorically speaking)? 

I am definitely guilty of giving unsolicited advice. I know this about myself. I try to be a fixer. And fixers have solutions, right? And that's what people want, right?

Well, not always.

I think I have been getting better at realizing when I'm doing this and stopping myself--but it is a work in progress. I try to proactively ask what people want when they're venting to me--solutions, an ear, a distraction, etc.

A specific incident doesn't come to mind where I gave unsolicited advice recently, but I'm sure I have.

Why do I do this though?

One possible theory is that, growing up as the daughter of an alcoholic, I sought to fix things and control what I could because part of my life (my father) felt out of control. This is something I heard in Al-Anon, but it honestly didn't always ring true for me. While my father was an alcoholic my whole life, it didn't become apparent to me until high school and it didn't become the tragic downward spiral it became until about 2016 (though I'm sure there were signs I missed earlier than that). So, did I unknowingly realize my father was an alcoholic and become a "fixer" because of that? Maybe. Surely there are worse theories.

Another theory is that it's my anxiety. Anxiety likes things to be in control and predictable. If I can provide that to someone, it helps me feel more in control and like the world is predictable and fixable. Now, realistically, I realize the world (or, by extension, life) is not predictable, but I do like to think it's improvable (fully fixable sounds like a pipe dream to me). So perhaps my unsolicited advice comes from a place of anxiety and desire for control and regulation. This rings a bit true to me than the first theory.

Definitely a factor in my giving unsolicited advice is that I care deeply for people and want to help them. My friends and family mean a lot to me and if I could fix all of their problems, I would. So when there is a chance to do something tangible: offer good advice, it feels like a great opportunity to show I care. As I'm working on though, showing I care should be through avenues people appreciate and unsolicited advice is, well, unsolicited and thus likely not wanted or even welcome.

I know I also tend to often flinch at unsolicited advice. If I'd wanted help, I would've asked for it. Right? Well, not always. While I have been improving in terms of asking for help, I am still working on honing this vital skill. Even though, I do appreciate when people ask what I want (even if some part of me feels like people should just magically know what I need--yes, I'm working on that too).

So, again, why do I have this reflex to give advice, solicited or solicited?

I like to think I'm a pretty level-headed and wise person, but I recognize that I'm also only 33 with limited experience in many avenues of life and with many privileges in life. Is it arrogance that brings out my advice? Like, surely I know what's best as the great and wise Holly?

I hope not, but, like with the child of an alcholic theory, surely there are worse ones.

I'd be curious to know what was the last time you all "burned your tongue". Was it with unsolicited advice like me or was it something else regerettable? And, do you want me to listen to it, distract you from it, or provide (solicited) advice?

I'm all ears.

(Prompt provided by Kimisha Cassidy)

Photo by Hayes Potter on Unsplash


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