I can't remember all the details of a conversation that transformed my life, but I do remember pieces of it.
I was at one of my favorite casual restaurants with my mom and stepdad, and I must've been about 15 (definitely in high school, but not very far in). I can't remember how we'd gotten onto the topic, but my mom brought up teens experimenting with alcohol.
She said something to the effect of: "You know why I worry about you doing this, right?"
I nodded, and suddenly it all clicked.
My dad was an alcoholic.
I must've subconsciously been aware of this beforehand--after all, wasn't he always drinking something whenever I saw him?
But he didn't fit what the TV version of an alcoholic was. He was never violent towards me or my brother. He held down a well-paying and highly respected job. He didn't pass out drunk in front of me. He didn't do silly jigs while slurring ridiculous words while drunk. In fact, had I even seen him drunk? At that point in time, I don't know if I had.
But it became so clear to me what my mom was implying.
My dad was an alcoholic.
Which meant I had a predisposition to becoming one myself. Which meant I should probably not experiment with alcohol as a teen (I BELIEVE studies have shown a correlation between drinking young and being an alcoholic, but who knows if that's causation?).
I remember my stepdad not getting the implication and asking why I should be especially concerned. Now, I don't remember what my mom said in return to that, but this snippet of conversation has stayed with me a while now.
It only occurred to me while writing this post that perhaps my mom simply meant that there is a huge problem of drunk teen girls and young women being harassed or even assaulted. I guess maybe that's what she was warning me about--I could ask her I suppose (she may not even remember this conversation though).
Anyways, moving forward from this conversation, I had the solid knowledge that my dad was an alcoholic. This altered my perception of things and my sensitivity to others. I had never been a party girl in high school, but now I was sure that I would wait until I was legal to have a drink (I was 20 and in Ireland so legal!). I would internally flinch when people made jokes about being an alcoholic (still do). I would know for certain what caused my father's death.
Perhaps there are other conversations that transformed my life, but this one is one that sticks in my memory. It marks for me a certain loss of innocence (or, perhaps, just ignorance) that changed my perception of my father, alcohol, and myself.
(Prompt provided by Amelia Sacco)
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