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Starting my parental journey, part 5

You can read part 1 here, read part 2 here, read part 3 here, and read part 4 here.

It's go time. My egg retrieval is tomorrow. I am both excited and nervous.

I was hoping to be told on Monday to trigger and was disproportionately disappointed when I wasn't told. Oh, I should explain. 36 hours before the procedure, you do something called the trigger shot. This shot has to be timed very precisely so that everything will be ready at the time of the procedure. 

Anyways, I wasn't told to trigger on Monday and I felt a little teary (thanks hormones), but I was quickly reassured by a family member that all would be well. Then I got word yesterday to do the trigger shot and I was so excited. I called my mom pretty much right away and told her the exciting news. The downside that I had to tell her was that I needed to report for the procedure at 6:30am (the procedure itself will be at 7am). Now for some people, I'm sure leaving the house at 5:45 sounds fine, but my mom and I are not what you would call morning people. However, we will make it work.

I am nervous about remembering not to have anything to drink (even water) after midnight. It's such a habit for me to keep water by my bedside but I will do my best to break this habit tonight. I have faith that I can do it.

I also remain nervous about the anesthesia. If you read previous posts, you know that I have this fear of saying something vile while going under or coming out of twilight sleep (or even during I suppose). This fear has not abated despite how reassuring all of my loved ones have been about it. I think it relates to a more general fear I have of being out of control. This goes with being drunk or even just talking in my sleep (what if I say something mean then and people get mad at me?). What if I say something so vile they won't perform the retrieval?

There is also certainly a fear of complications. The worst-case scenarios, while rare, are very bad and I don't always feel like I have the best luck in the world (though, objectively, this has nothing to do with anything). I also have support lined up for if there are complications so, logically, I know that I should be okay.

I wish they hadn't told me how the eggs were collected. While I understand that it is good practice to do it, I know have this scary vision of the device used and have some fear of it. It's also just an intimate procedure, in multiple senses, and that makes me a bit nervous.

If you can't tell, I'm nervous.

I'm also excited though. I honestly hope that at some point I get to see a picture of the eggs. I know they aren't babies yet, but I would find it so cool to see and to show off to people.

There is a small part of me that is a bit sad that this is how my parental journey has begun, but it's pretty small right now. Sometimes, it has been bigger. I want a partner and when I was younger I thought I'd be closer to marriage and babies with a partner at this point in my life. However, I know that I have tried and that I will continue to try to find a partner who is right for me. I remind myself that these eggs, while wonderful, are the backup plan and, as a planner, I rejoice in having them.

So, it's go time, but don't worry, I will share another update after my procedure so you can know how it went and how many eggs they got (the target is 12-14 but I'm honestly hoping for more because I am an overachiever at heart). I will also share, if I get it, the photo of the eggs (though I will likely ask that you request it as I'm not sure I want it up on my blog).

I'll end this post like I ended my last one. If you have the time and energy, please keep me in your thoughts and/or prayers as I go through all of it, and see this post about ways to support me through it if you're wondering what I may need/want during this time.

(Prompt by me)

"Pregnancy/Baby Bump" by Alabama Extension


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