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Starting my parental journey, part 6

You can read part 1 here, read part 2 here, read part 3 here, read part 4 here, and read part 5 here.

Yesterday I had my egg retrieval and overall the procedure went smoothly. I was nervous but my mom was with me and the staff was incredibly kind (though clearly not all were morning people, but hey neither am I). I also had with me an alligator good luck charm to bring with me from a dear friend.

I remember asking them to warn me when they were going to use the speculum and they said they would and then I was out. I don't remember coming back to the recovery room where my mom was waiting but I did and they initially told us that they got 17 eggs (though later they would tell us 20 was the actual count). I got pretzels, graham crackers, and Sprite and felt pretty normal.

After being home for a while, I started to get cramps, but luckily Tylenol took care of all of that. I mostly slept on Thursday and updated some friends and family, but overall I took it easy. Today I was doing much the same when I got the phone call to tell me how many of the eggs they'd gotten were mature.

Unfortunately, it was only 9.

I honestly hadn't prepared myself for the number to be so low. I knew not all 20 would be mature, but maybe there was a part of me that did think that. Whatever number I was consciously or subconsciously expecting, 9 was lower than it. 

I am pretty disappointed. Rational or not, I feel a bit like my body failed me. I was told I would do excellently and that I most likely wouldn't have to do more than one cycle. I was also told that my body had responded well to medications and that I did well in the procedure, but that all turned out to not be what I expected.

Now, again rationally, I know I can do the procedure again and my insurance will cover it so really it's not that bad, but I also want to allow myself to be disappointed and to cry. I don't know why, but I often have trouble letting myself cry. I usually try to rationalize myself out of it I guess. But I want to hold space to just be sad and to just wish things had gone differently (I also plan to talk to my therapist about it).

I'm also feeling lonely because I didn't make plans this weekend for fear of not being up for them, but now I wish I had reserved some time with people to just do nothing with me (for I do have a desire to be close to my heating pad right now). I guess I also feel lonely because I went through this process without a partner. Yes, I did have some incredibly supportive friends and family, but it's not the same.

So right now I'm just very sad and I find every little thing is getting to me. I made a mistake and looked at my work email and was disappointed that colleagues weren't taking care of things as I expected them to which frustrates me and makes me feel underappreciated.

Later, I will be rational and thankful for the 9 eggs I do have (which is 9 more than before), but for now, I'm just going to let myself be upset and even cry.

I'll end this post like I ended my last one. If you have the time and energy, please keep me in your thoughts and/or prayers as I go through all of it, and see this post about ways to support me through it if you're wondering what I may need/want during this time.

(Prompt by me)

"Pregnancy/Baby Bump" by Alabama Extension


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