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Starting my parental journey, part 7

You can read part 1 here, read part 2 here, read part 3 here, read part 4 here, read part 5 here, and read part 6 here.

The day that I'm writing this (which is a few days before posting) I had an appointment with my fertility doctor to discuss the next steps. If you only want to read a little, just know that I am doing the whole egg retrieval process again. If you want to read more, read on!

The doctor was incredibly kind and reassuring, but did say that a target total goal of eggs to have is 20 and I currently only have 9 so she did encourage me to do another cycle of egg retrieval (though I was admittedly already on this path in my mind). She said that this time around, we would be a bit more aggressive with the medications. The doctor shared this because she said last time we were a bit more conservative because of my large egg reserve and thus the fear of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). OHSS does make me nervous because there can be some extreme complications, but I have faith in my doctor.

The doctor also said that with my last cycle, we originally saw a lot of growth but then it tapered off so this time she would adjust the medications more in according with this experience. She gave me a great sense of comfort and confidence, so I feel safe with her and safe to do another cycle.

I am nervous to do it all again, but I have faith (if that's even the right word) that all will go well. I think I'm less nervous this go around because I've done it once before so it should be easier this time. I won't be as scared of the injections or the procedure itself.

One of the tricks this time is the timing. My mom and stepdad may be out of town this time around which makes me a bit nervous. I want things to go well always, obviously, but it makes it easier if I have my parents around to help out. I am also a bit worried about timing for another selfish reason: I am going to C2E2 (Chicago Comics and Entertainment Expo) in late April and I want to be fully recovered by then. However, that's in late April and they said mid-April would be what I can expect for this cycle.

If I'm being honest, I also worry that people simply won't care this time around. Admittedly, it will be something I've done once before, but that doesn't mean that I won't need emotional and, in some cases, physical support. Walking was honestly super uncomfortable for a while because (per my doctor), my ovaries had grown to the size of grapefruits. Also, depending on how many mature eggs we get this cycle, I might need additional emotional support if it doesn't hold up to the expectations my doctor has (she said she hoped for 16 or so this time around). This isn't meant to reflect what I think of people, it's more my own insecurities playing out. I often worry about being a burden or bothering people with my needs (something I'm working on) so the negative voices inside of me say things like "Well, why would people care? You've done this already," or "You're an expert, why would people think you need support?" or "People are busy with their own lives, they don't have time for you doing something you've done before." I'm not saying these are realistic thoughts, but they are definitely thoughts I'm having. I will talk to my therapist more about this though, don't worry.

In some ways though, I'm excited. I am taking control again and working towards an achievable goal again. It may be a lot on me once again, but it's all worth it. I want kids one day and this is a way to help ensure that I do. I hope to get back a little bit more of the excitement that I felt during my first cycle, but maybe it will have waned for this second cycle as, after all, it's all old hat, isn't it? But, I'll be on a new medication this time so that'll be new and my medication scaling will be more aggressive so maybe I'll feel more effects (good or bad).

I know that doing two cycles is pretty common, but I was hoping to be done in one. At this point though I feel like, oh well, what's one more?

I'll end this post like I ended my last one. If you have the time and energy, please keep me in your thoughts and/or prayers as I go through all of it, and see this post about ways to support me through it if you're wondering what I may need/want during this time.

(Prompt by me)

"Pregnancy/Baby Bump" by Alabama Extension


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