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15 presidents and why you shouldn't name your kid after them

After a rant about James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes, a few friends suggested I start a podcast about why you shouldn't name your kids after certain people. Season 1 would be the presidents. Here are some (often editorialized and varying in importance) bullet points I'd go over for the first 15 presidents. To be clear, this doesn't mean you shouldn't name your kid like George or Washington, but naming them George, Washington, or George Washington with the INTENT to honor a president is not advisable IMO.

  1. George Washington
    1. Enslaved people (yes, he did seem to eventually feel bad about it, but like, that doesn't change the fact that he enslaved people)
    2. No joke, at one point he met with the leader of the Iroquois Confederacy and he CLAIMS (I'm always suspicious when white people say stuff like this) that the leader gave him a name that meant "devourer of villages" (which his great grandfather apparently was also given?)--THIS IS A BAD SIGN
    3. Enforced driving Indigenous people out of their lands
    4. People seemed to like him, in part, cause he was rich, but really he married into that (and like a stepdaughter died and he got her money too?)
  2. John Adams
    1. Alien and Sedition Act=BAD
    2. His idea of a good pen name was "Humphrey Ploughjogger" (I know, not nearly as bad as some other things on this list, but just like WTF?)
    3. Honestly, being friends with Thomas Jefferson also makes him questionable (though, to be fair, in my alternate history, they're lovers, but in that TJ is much less terrible)
    4. Wanted the president to be called "highness" (missing the point a bit)
    5. Known to be an asshole
    6. Met his wife when she was 15 and he was 24...chill
  3. Thomas Jefferson
    1. Enslaved people
    2. Definitely a rapist and pedophile (Sally Hemings--who was TJ's wife's half-sister btw--was 14--or, at the oldest, 16--when TJ started sexually abusing her)
    3. Tried to "assimilate" Indigenous peoples
  4. James Madison
    1. Enslaved people
    2. Quite possibly forcibly impregnated his enslaved half-sister
    3. Supported expanding into Indigenous territory
    4. War of 1812 wasn't great
  5. James Monroe
    1. Enslaved people (also suppressed a rebellion)
    2. Sicced Andrew Jackson on the Seminole people
    3. Took his sweet time formally recognizing South American countries that had declared independence from Spain
  6. John Quincy Adams
    1. Nepo baby
    2. Defended Andrew Jackson's terrible actions against the Seminole people (and, in general, seemed to like Jackson for a while--though Adams does get some points for eventually loathing Jackson)
    3. Maybe did a quid pro quo to become president (unclear historically it seems)
    4. Also thought Indigenous "assimilation" was chill
  7. Andrew Jackson
    1. Just gonna say it, this dude sucked
    2. Enslaved people (literally was a "slave trader," was even thought harsh in his punishments by other enslavers, literally said abolitionists were monsters who should die)
    3. Signed the "Indian Removal Act" (this led to many terrible things, but a notable one is the Trail of Tears)
    4. Violent dude who dueled A LOT (def. killed people this way)
    5. I think he harbored Aaron Burr after he murdered Alexander Hamilton
    6. Took Indigenous people prisoner and then just "gave" them to opposing tribes
    7. In general, took a "scorched-earth" policy when he was battling Indigenous peoples
    8. Definitely fired government employees to replace them with loyal supporters
    9. I feel like I remember him moving troops around the US to threaten certain cities/political leaders
    10. Panic of 1837=bad (yes, this was under Van Buren, but Jackson arguably set it up)
    11. Known, in general, to be an asshole
  8. Martin Van Buren
    1. Supported Jackson (who sucked: see above)
    2. Held a man in slavery
    3. While he thought slavery immoral, he kinda shrugged and was like "but the constitution upholds it"
    4. Panic of 1837=bad (and Van Buren did not handle it well)
    5. Forcibly removed Indigenous peoples and put them in internment camps (some of the Trail of Tears was under Van Buren)
    6. Nicknamed "Van Ruin"
  9. William Henry Harrison
    1. Dude, this guy is most famous for dying so shortly into his presidency
    2. Literally battled Indigenous people (and did so viciously)
    3. Enslaved people
    4. Quite likely forcibly impregnated an enslaved woman (this seems to be somewhat up for debate)
  10. John Tyler
    1. Enslaved people (and politically supported the enslavement of people)
    2. Supported forcible assimilation of Indigenous peoples
    3. Literally so in support of slavery that he was elected to the Confederate Senate (this led to his death not even being acknowledged in DC)
    4. His second wife was 30 years his junior...ick (adding to the ick, he seemed to swoop in after her dad died at an event he was at)
    5. Possibly forcibly impregnanted enslaved women (no hard evidence, but someone did literally attack Tyler because they were told this to be true)
  11. James K. Polk
    1. Enslaved people
    2. Maybe kinda bribed voters with alcohol
    3. Nicknamed "Napoleon of the Stump" (which seems like it was a compliment, but, yick)
    4. Heavily politically linked to Jackson (who sucked: see above)
    5. When he was speaker of the house, he strongly enforced what was called the "gag rule" (reps could not discuss slavery)
    6. Mexican-American War
  12. Zachary Taylor
    1. Enslaved people
    2. Battled Indigenous peoples for their land
    3. Maybe died because he ate too many cherries (though, apparently, there is a theory it was murder)
  13. Millard Filmore
    1. Said slavery was evil, but also that *shrug* what could the government do?
    2. Despite thinking that the federal government couldn't do anything to control slavery, he sure did sign the Fugitive Slave Bill
  14. Franklin Pierce
    1. Supported Jackson (who sucked: see above)
    2. Though he claimed to be morally opposed to slavery, he sure did think it would violate states' rights to do anything about it
    3. His presidency definitely contributed to tensions that would turn into the Civil War
  15. James Buchanan
    1. Supported slavery (a states' rights kinda guy)
    2. So his only fiancé may have committed suicide (or may have died from an accidental overdose) though Buchanan was really weird about it in a way that has led some conspiracy theorists to think he may be been a contributing factor
    3. Literally a book about him called Worst. President. Ever.
    4. Manifest Destiny bro
    5. Supported Jackson (who sucked: see above)
    6. Secession started under his watch

(Prompt by me but also Kimisha Cassidy and Emily Kleeman)

"Her Majesty, the President" by lucidialohman. Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic.


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