Snippets, twenty-nine

Here are some short pieces based on things that have happened in my life recently.

Dogsitting

I have been dogsitting a fair bit recently. I see it as a huge perk for both me and my dog, Hoban. Hoban is, shall we say, selective when it comes to other dogs and so this dog that I dogsit for, Nellie, is a welcome friend. Hoban and Nellie are great friends and get along splendidly. If Hoban is ever too much, well, Nellie is bigger so she just kinda schools him to calm it down. I also get to cuddle with two dogs at night which is just so good for my soul. Also, there is a yard at the house I dogsit at so the dogs get to run around and I don't have to worry about them dragging me in different directions on a walk.

Seeing the dogs play and even just interact or squabble for my attention just makes me smile. I love being able to dogsit and I think I get a ton out of it.

Eating

I have been working on my relationship to eating and food. It feels like such achingly slow progress. Why can other people just inherently know that they shouldn't just eat ALL the things when they're feeling sad? How can some people just recover when they go back on some health-related rules they set for themselves? Do people really like what they see in the mirror the majority of the time?

I had a realization in therapy that I've been in crisis mode for a very long time. This manifests in a lot of ways, but one is that I rely on the standard, reliable comfort of food. Another is that I tend to have all or nothing thinking. Either I'm watching what I eat meticulously or I just say fuck it and I eat everything I ever have a whim for.

I promise I am working on it, but it's quite difficult. Every time I make a tiny step, an inner voice (whom I've named Brenda) tells me that that's pathetic and not enough while simultaneously telling me that I'll never get farther, so I should just give up.

Anyways, just wanted to share a little bit.

Fireplace

The house I'm dogsitting in has a fireplace. I think later tonight I'll read in front of it. I'm reading a romance novel that is set on a fictionalized version of The Bachelor, but focuses on two female contestants falling in love (they recently had their first kiss where I'm at in the book). 

For good reason, the couch is set a ways back from the fireplace, but this makes me wonder if I get any of the benefits of the heat from the fireplace. It is by no means freezing now nor will it be later tonight, but I still feel like a fireplace should make me extra cozy. I will definitely put my sweater on to get a little cozier and maybe a dog or two will cuddle with me and, thus, make me even cosier.

I enjoy this fireplace, I think it's so charming, but I don't make use of it enough. I am trying to set up a comfy and cozy environment to read in so that I'll actually do it because I do love it once I start, but starting is so difficult.

IUI

IUI is intrauterine insemination. If I decide to have a child on my own, this is what I'll try first to get pregnant (the eggs I've frozen are really more of a last resort than the go-to plan). I have begun to think about IUI as my 35th birthday draws closer. For those that don't know, 35 is when certain risks raise in terms of pregnancy. I have thought that, perhaps, if I'm single at 35 that I'll just go for IUI.

But, obviously, this isn't ideal.

I would love to have a partner to raise my child with, but this just may not happen. And while I can find a love at any age, there is a certain limit on having a child. 

I have also thought of the minimal possibility of having a child with a friend or having a friend or at least someone I know be the donor. But I have absolutely no idea how to even broach this conversation. Yes, I do have some people in mind, but that feels wild to even say. I have absolutely no idea if they would even consider the idea and I don't want them to think that I am only seeing them as a possible donor.

Anyways, just something I'm thinking about.

Meds

Not that long ago, I went off of one my mental health meds. At first, I thought this was a great thing. Scaling back my meds, maybe fewer side effects (including a possible one related to weight management). But I've also been so fatigued lately and so unmotivated. I asked my psychiatrist if these symptoms could be because I went off of this med and he, unfortunately, said yes.

So, he asked if I wanted to go back on the med and I just haven't responded yet.

I don't like that I can literally sleep almost the entire day.

I don't like how much I put off chores, hobbies, and pretty much everything.

But I feel like I get full or at least satisfied now not being on this med. Before, I had trouble with this and would just eat and eat and eat because I never felt full or even really satisfied.

I will probably go back on the med, but I just wish I lived in a body that could regulate itself without these other meds.

Sigh.

Maybe one day.

(Prompt by Kimisha Cassidy)