Here are some short pieces based on things that have happened in my life recently.
Candles
I was quite stressed out today. So, one of the things I did was light some scented candles. I lit a pine-scented one in the bathroom (not sure it really smells like pine, but it does smell nice at least), a Krampus-themed one in my living room (I got it at Millennium Park's holiday market), and a cookie butter eggnong one in the kitchen (this one is the strongest, but it's probably also my favorite).
The scentes are calming and the soft flicker of flame reminds me of a post I once saw that candles are the ways we keep fire as pets.
Scented candles are one of the ways I calm down as they introduce serene aromas and thus soften my sensory atmosphere.
I get them from a variety of places. A lot come from Goose Creek (I think they're having a sale again, so I should look into what new scents they have). Every now and then I get one from Amazon, but I quite often get scented candles at makers' markets. They can be expensive to get at makers' markets, but I also think they can be worth it.
I like shopping local and/or small when I can, but it's not always feasible for me.
Hoban makes my home a little dog-scented (which is fair), so it's nice to have lovely scents to adjust to. While I don't like all scented candles (no thanks to lavender), I do like most that I've encountered. I keep them lit while I'm awake and they fill my home with comfort.
Empty
I had a nice Christmas. There were some lovely moments, for sure. And everyone tried their best.
But.
It felt kind of empty.
I received gifts that I had asked for and some other ones that I had not, but were quite thoughtful.
They maybe filled my tank a tiny bit.
I saw one of my nephews be delighted by a train he'd received.
That maybe filled my tank a tiny bit.
I ate tasty food.
That also probably filled my tank a tiny bit.
But, all of these tiny bits did not add up to a full tank.
In fact, my tank still felt quite empty.
The things that normally fulfill me did not. I thought they'd help and, maybe, they did (somewhat). But it wasn't enough.
Nothing could make up for the fact that my dad isn't here.
Nothing could make up for the fact that I'm not even sure the last time my brother, my dad, and I celebrated Christmas Eve together (best guess is 2019, though maybe we did a version of it in 2022).
I'm not sure I ever spent a Christmas day with my dad.
Probably not.
But I guess it is, theoretically, possible that we did when I was a baby. It would've been my first Christmas afterall.
Nothing could change the fact that I am no one in my family's #1 priority. I'm not mad at people for this, but it makes me sad that there is no one in my life who reards me as their #1.
I have no partner.
I have no children.
I am, in some ways, quite alone.
I know that I'm not alone in all ways. I do have family that loves me. I do have friends that love me. But, lately, that just hasn't been enough to fill my tank completely.
Kids
I want to have kids.
Ideally, I'd have two with a partner.
But, honestly, the way it's looking...I'll have one on my own.
Being around my nephew over the past few days has affirmed that I want children, but also that having a child on my own will be quite difficult.
What if I can't do it?
What if I fail?
What if I'm just a bad mom?
I know I'd love my child, but love isn't always enough. It doesn't mean you show up in the way that your child needs or even wants.
And then, if I have a child on my own...how would I pick a donor? I can think of a few people in my life I could ask, and there is honestly something appealing about knowing the donor. I could show my child photos of me and their other parent. I could explain they were still born out of love (though, perhaps, a different kind of love than is typical). I could tell them stories about their other parent. They could meet them. I could get answers easily to medical questions that pop up throughout my child's life.
But, it could also be quite complicated.
The perks of an anonymous donor are that there is less complication with relationships, but I couldn't tell my child stories about their other parent. I couldn't show photos (unless some are included in the profile). Yes, my child would still be born of my love, but it is different. And I know that.
I want to have a partner that I share a child with, but I have lost so much hope in this process. I swiped even this evening on some men I found some level of potential in, but, is that enough? I want more. I want to have a meaningful relationship (which I've never had).
Who would even date me knowing that?
Knowing that I, essentially, have no romantic history or experience and that I want children soon.
It's a lot.
I know.
But what else can I do?
Time is ticking.
I hate that idea, but there is only so much time that I can have children. And that's just the truth.
(Prompt by Kimisha Cassidy)
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