Here are some short pieces based on things that have happened in my life recently.
Delay
I have been delaying things this winter break. Some of it is because I have been enjoying time with family. Some of it is because my anxiety has been up lately. Why it's been up though is a little confusing to me. Maybe it's because this was the first winter holiday season without my dad. I mean, I'm sure that was a contributing factor. It seems to be affecting me more than others and in ways I did not anticipate. I've been sad during jolly times, lonely even when I'm with people, and the constant need to be on my phone even when there are other things to do.
I guess being on my phone feels safe, being occupied with trivial things is easier than acknowledging my actual life. I should confront some things, but, again, I've been delaying.
Fantasy Farm
The alpaca farm I went to while I was earning my MA in Ireland is up for sale. I have this fantasy where I buy it.
To be clear, I have exaclty 0 idea how to run a farm.
But, that farm showed me the love that alpacas can impart. I had some really sad times when I was in Ireland and I remember visiting that farm and having something stir in my heart again. It was a part of the picture that helped heal me.
So, I love the fantasy of being around these creatures that mean so much to me every day. Of course, I would not be able to actually properly care for them, so I won't fulfull this fantasy, but, hey, a girl can dream, right?
I would love to visit it again sometime, but since it's up for sale I don't know if that's even possible.
But, again, hey, a girl can dream.
Fast Food
Why do I crave fast food when I get stressed? I remember vaguely it being a special treat when I was a kid, but I definitely eat it more now. Yes, it is fast and that is nice, but it's also reliable I guess. It's not as cheap as it used to be either, so that should make it less appealing, but it doesn't.
Even now, I'm waiting to eat some of my fast food lunch so I can motivate myself to write this post. I am behind on posts in part cause I've been anxious lately and in part cause I've been spending a lot of time with family.
I do fear that people will judge me for eating fast food, but I guess I've started to care less about that. Maybe I should car emore, but I just don't.
Festivus
Every year, some of my friends and I do a secret gift exchange. As per tradition, we change the name every year. This year, we called it Secret Festivus. I had a great time there. Almost everyone was able to make it (which is no easy feat year to year because of adulting). Gifts were exchanged, Benoit Blanc was impersonated, LOTR references were made, and tasty food was nommed on.
I wish I could live a life where I didn't have so many obligations and could just relax more. And this is unreasonable because I tend to relax a fair bit in my life, but I have trouble doing that. I often just take a nap which is, in some ways, restorative, but doesn't fill my tank as much as Festivus did.
Even at Festivus though, I found myself retreating to my phone because I felt anxious. I had no tangible reason for being anxious, but anxiety doesn't really care about that.
We'll see if going back to work and more of a schedule helps or hinders me.
Kitchen Nightmares
For some reason, I felt the craving for Kitchen Nightmares recently. I was delighted to find that there are new episodes from 2023! So I'm watching those and while it should turn me off from ordering and eating out, it has not.
The wild episode I'm watching as I type this features a restaurant owned by a married couple who are a nurse and doctor (who specializes in infectious disease) who are severly underpaying their staff, buy salt as the only seasoning, don't buy new oil for frying, and don't put actual soap in the soap dispensers.
Ho boy, it's becoming a two-parter. Stay tuned!
(Prompt by Kimisha Cassidy)
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