Fifteen Minutes of Scrawl

I can't be the only one facing contradictions, but here are some that feel particularly potent at the moment. One year is so long, but also so short I should be focused on the micro, yet also the macro I'm struggling, but also too okay Scratching my skin alleviates the itch, yet makes it worse I see people too much, but spend too much time alone I'm fortunate, yet deeply unlucky Dating is a heavy burden, but the only way I have it together yet not at all I'm avoidant, but also anxious Stretching feels great, yet so does staying still I appreciate people reaching out, but I wish they would leave me alone I'm often touch-starved, yet I also often flinch when people reach out Relaxation is great, but I struggle to do it I want to eat, yet when I have food in front of me, I'm full I'm learning to love myself, but also to hate myself into motivation for change (Prompt by me) "Contradiction" by jaqian .  Attribution 2.0 Generic .

Dear Dad, I have honestly been avoiding this post. I have had the empty draft post up for a few hours and keep finding other things to do. And even after writing those two sentence, I found yet more things to turn my attention away. I'm watching Top Chef  right now as I type this. We used to watch that together. While clearing out your storage unit, I found your colorful folders of recipes and found the eggs benedict recipe from the show we tried once (I think it was Fabio's). I remember we poached the eggs, but they were far from pretty. I also remember that I successfully made hollandaise sauce, but then you over mixed it and it broke. We added butter to it though and it turned out okay. I guess I don't know what to say (maybe that's why I've been avoiding this post). It's been almost a year since you passed. I spoke to you via a WhatsApp video call the day before. It was brief, but you told me you loved me and I said the same. Mom visited you and is the one w...

Yes, this Saturday (March 21st) will be the 1 year anniversary of my dad's passing. It simultaneously feels impossible that it's only been a year and that a year has passed already. In preparation for both the day and the days after, here are some ways you can help support me (if you have the time, energy, and/or resources to do so). Meet up with me in person (I believe on Saturday I am getting brunch with at least one friend and dinner with several) Initiate conversation with me via text, message, or call (but please don't call out of the blue--this stressed me out for a reason I can't identify last time I asked for support) Provide me with food (gift card, cooking, reimbursing for takeout, going out with me, etc.) Help me with some chores Watch reality TV with me or just let me rant about it to you when I need a distraction Hug me Send me mail Give me a safe space to cry Be understanding when I'm not reaching out as much or am a bit distant even when we're in ...

Time for some infuriating interactions.  Vanya, you shouldn't have to persuade someone to want to be with you Vanya, I think it's being on camera that is making Tony sweat Tony does not seem like he has a track record of being upfront about his relationships Okay, I admittedly was multitasking, but I missed what made the conversation between Gino and Natalie take a turn Julia, you are being weird (that said, SOMEONE has to talk) So, I guess Pedro and Sophie are official now? Hey, Colt, I don't care if you're not doing well as YOUR ACTIONS CAUSED THIS Cortney, let this trash person go Okay, Tony, if your past relationship was serious, it is weird that you took Vanya to Key West and that Vanya (your allegedly close friend) did not know of this woman Vanya...do not be official with this man (at least not yet) Okay, I swear I've heard this "Love is a Risk" or whatever it's called song on quite a few reality dating shows Pedro and Sophie are cute right now,...

So, if you don't know, the 98th annual Academy Awards were this past Sunday. Here are some random thoughts I had while watching.  Maybe I should've watched more of the red carpet Autumn Durald Arkapaw is a very deserving winner for Best Cinematography in Sinners , but like...it was really at the 98th Academy Awards that a woman won that category for the first time? I think adding an award for Best Casting is a great call Pretty sure they missed Jonathan Joss and James Van Der Beek in the "In Memoriam" section (and by Googling just now, I was reminded that they also forgot Eric Dane, Malcolm-Jamal Warner, and even more) Disappointed that One Battle After Another  got more wins than Sinners Notably, despite that fact, I am still not tempted to see One Battle After Another (or Frankenstein  which did receive 3 awards) I do want to see KPop Demon Hunters and Sentimental Value , however Great to see Misty Copeland! I appreciate these political moments, but I do think ther...

Time for some vital meetings. I hope Elise feels better Elise changing at the beach is so funny Elise, I think Joshua could be a great vacation bae, but I don't see him being committed long term Lisa, you have been lying to Daniel for a long time Lisa, it's all well and good to love people for their souls, but you do only seem like Daniel cause he's hot Also, Lisa, your sexuality definitely does not make you evil, but it is wild that you thought lying to this man who clearly does not like queer people of any ilk would work out for ya Rick, it's wild that you think Trisha will have a quickie with you right now (especially while the crew is there) I cannot believe Forrest and Sheena have done 0 immigration research about getting a visa until now So, I'm not saying that it's fair that Forrest cannot count his disability payments towards proving he could support Sheena (or that his disability payments are insufficient for supporting himself and Sheena, etc. etc.), b...

So, if you don't know, the 98th annual Academy Awards are tonight! Here are some random predictions.  Sinners  will win a lot An award winner is going to get their speech cut off prematurely because they're making a political point Someone is going to stumble (literally) on the red carpet, on stage, or on their way up to the stage There will be a different embarrassing gaff as well Conan is going to do a fine job of being a host (not spectacular job, mind you, but this is because I don't recall ever seeing a spectacular host of these awards) Someone vital is going to be missing from the "In Memoriam" segement The  KPop Demon Hunters 's song, "Golden," will win its category However, the performance of "I Lied to You" from Sinners  will be the most powerful Someone will have just a spectacularly ugly outfit on the red carpet I will be inspired to watch at least one of the nominees I haven't seen yet It will feel weird to watch because the...

Time for the Alyssa Edwards Roast! Oop folks still want Discord gone I do think Discord could've been in the top for Snatch Game Oop people are sick of Jane winning Darlene...:Nancy Kerrigan was the one who was attacked...not the attacker Lol Nini brought up double elimination I feel like a fragrance ad is a big ask for a mini challenge Lol Discord's girly voice is her Pope voice So now Ru knows Alyssa's name I do find Darlene so charming Did Michelle say "toast jokes"? Oop so Myki put Discord first Juicy, I did get what you meant, but I did not find it super funny I love how much Darlene cracks herself up Oop Nini is being a tad too mean Myki...I am worried for you Aw Jane is so kind Ru's look is SO FUN Alyssa is STUNNING So some of Discord's jokes worked for me, but she definitely read form her cards too much and, as Jane pointed out, some did not land Why did Myki put Juicy after Jane...was it sabotage? Juicy is struggling in her own right, but it's...

The whole season has now aired, but if you haven't seen it--BEWARE OF SPOILERS! I was all in on Vic and Christine from episode 1 and I'm so glad they didn't disappoint It's still unclear to me though how they managed to fenagle not being on the group international trip I'm sorry that Jordan and Amber couldn't make it work, but it does seem like he was not ready for all being a stepdad entailed (to be clear, Amber had some things to work on as well, but this seemed like the most pressing issue) Amber will forever be a queen for roasting Chris right to his face SEVERAL times Chris SUCKED (like even the hosts who are usually more neutral were NOT having his bs) Alex was also bad and was not having the hosts not having him (which is a little wild) Devo ABSOLUTELY misled Brittany (and tried to justify it by saying it's difficult to be let someone down? Like, grow up) Also, SOMEHOW Devo is ALREADY expecting a baby? Thank goodness Jess has found a fellow hot doctor...

Time for some finalities?  Ugh, I do not like Josh I can't believe Josh is still on this franchise Ugh, Kim, why do you like Josh? He sucks (and, uh, Kim, the fact that it pisses Jamal off and you find that a plus is BAD) Okay, Jamal's butt does look good, but I still find it weird that Kim commented on it Sorry, did Josh just say he likes toes? "Googly mooglies" and "junga jungas" are hilarious euphemisms, Jamal I HATE Kim using the phrase "daddy vibes" Sophie, I do get the feeling that now you're about to go to Villa and warn him about Liz Yikes, Liz could be dead in two years? I had assumed that the doctors catching her cancer so early meant she had a great chance of that not being the case Omg the swaying disco ball in the van is adding great comedic effect Okay so I don't believe that Cortney just lucked into Colt's password, but I do believe that Colt was talking to LOADS of women who weren't Cortney EW! COLT HAS BEEN SENDING ...

So while many of us know of big, major, national, and/or religious holidays, there are many obscure ones out there! You can find out about a fair few of these on the  National Day website . However, as far as I know, the ones listed below would be new ones that I think could be fun, meaningful, or just wacky to celebrate. You can read my first "15 new holiday ideas" if you'd like! Let Birds Swear Day to be celebrated on June 10th to commemorate when Andrew Jackson's pet parrot Poll (that he'd taught to swear) was ousted from his funeral on that day in 1845 for swearing up a storm (yes, this may be an apocryphal story, but I don't super mind that) Juliette Gordon Low Day to be celebrated on October 31st to commemorate when the founder of Girl Scouts,  Juliette Gordon Low , was born in 1860 Deep Dish Day to be celebrated on September 9th to commemorate the birth of  Ike Sewell , who likely co-created the first deep dish pizza, in 1903 Satirical Onion Day to be...

Time for some new/renewed connections? Of course you made these plans without telling Daniel, Lisa Lisa...give him up Hey, Lisa, are you going to tell Daniel that you STILL haven't told him everything? Lisa, since you've revealed ON TELEVISION that you lied to Daniel (though you're still holding back information that will matter to Daniel), I don't think it's that crazy that Daniel wants you to tell his uncle directly before anything airs Daniel, it is a trap Oop Lisa just revealed that she doesn't have much more money left "Mount Boobs"? So much for "mature" and "philosophical" Birkan For all of my concerns about Birkan, he does pick out awesome date ideas (Ephesus looks awesome) Birkan, are you surprised that she's concerned about your massive amount of debt? Although, Birkan is right to be concerned about Laura's feelings for Michal not being 100% platonic Wow, I somehow already forgot how revealing Elise's dress was ...

If you didn't already know, I love The Traitors ! Here are some thoughts on season 4. These thoughts do contain SPOILERS for the entire season. Such a fun season (I do generally think it's more fun when the traitors win) While Rob was a great traitor, he is not more epic than Cirie (IMO) I will also note that while Rob was more of a strategist, Lisa and Candiace pulled off some bold (and hilarious) moves that did work (e.g. the conga line) Alan saying "Yes, I am dressed as a coffin" was ICONIC It should be noted that the trio of traitors lasted longer together than any previous initial trio This could also be easily seen by how many wild loops they threw the traitors through I thought the idea of a "Secret Traitor" was brilliant (I just wish Donna had lasted longer in the game) I think they could've tried the idea again later in the season by not revealing whom Rob had recruited (but, to be fair, Eric's reaction to finding out Rob was a traitor was p...

Okay, I've finally started writing the novel that I did some stream of consciousness posts about ( "Stream of consciousness about a novel idea I have, part 1" ,  "Stream of consciousness about a novel idea I have, part 2" , and  "Stream of consciousness about a novel idea I have, part 3" ). Now, I want to keep it unpublished, but I also want credit for working on it (lol). So, with that in mind, I'll do a post like this when I've worked on it for a bit, and you can shoot me a message if you'd like access to the Google doc. NB: While there will be multiple posts in this vein, I will not link them to each other because the text will remain the same, so linking to part 1 from part 2 (etc.) won't yield any new information.  (Prompt by me) Photo by  Bernd 📷 Dittrich  on  Unsplash

In case you don't know, today is my 34th birthday! Here are 15 thoughts swirling around my brain today (some serious, some not). It's my first birthday without my dad My apartment is too dirty I'm farther from some goals than I was last year I am still extremely fortunate though I have so many grays I, perhaps selfishly, want today to be about me I'm in a funky headspace as I'm writing this post (maybe it's the lack of blue sky) I hope I can shake it off by the time my party starts I feel a little embarrassed about where I am in life at this age I hope Hoban does okay at the party tonight I want everyone to have fun tonight I am looking forward to my Costco birthday cake I might try to work in a nap Nothing is quite hitting the spot so far today (not for lack of trying) I hope I can get my hair to behave tonight (Prompt by me) "My birthday cake" by Wez .  Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic .

Time for a comeback? Aw, Athena is lovely Discord...confidence is great, but yeah the Rusical was NOT your strongest performance Darlene is such a bright light The library is open! Wow Ru, really did have me (and the remaining queens) going It is funny what clips they're picking to remind us of eliminated queens I love that Jane like prayed to Ciara Omg the fabric that Ciara packed is used Ru is poking Well Juicy finally learns where the phrase "The Juice is loose" comes from I'm glad Discord has a sense of humor about herself I love that the queens love Iman I can't wait to see what Iman says about Discord's walk I'm confused as to how production could say "well, that's not how that was intended to be used," cause like...who knows? Kenya remains hilarious Jane...who is Crystal? Crystal is hilarious Ah, apparently "Crystal" is what came to mind when Jane tried to pull Ciara's name It's funny that folks are so amused that Dar...

So while many of us know of big, major, national, and/or religious holidays, there are many obscure ones out there! You can find out about a fair few of these on the National Day website . However, as far as I know, the ones listed below would be new ones that I think could be fun, meaningful, or just wacky to celebrate. US Camel Corps Day to be celebrated on May 14th to commemorate when 34 camels were safely unloaded at Indianola, Texas to become part of the ill-thought out US Camel Corps  in 1856 (one of my favorite Wiki rabbit holes I've ever fallen down) Pig and Potato War Resolution Day to be celebrated on October 21st to commemorate when the so-called Pig and Potato War came to an end (for context, this "war" was actually a confrontation in 1859 between the US and the UK over the British–U.S. border in the San Juan Islands that was triggered by a farmer's pig being shot after eating a different farmer's potatoes) Don't Let Not Being Elected Stop You Da...

Time for some confrontations!  Yes, Natalie, tell Gino you will not suck his toes Omg I would be SO PISSED if a man I told not to get into my bed, got into my bed while I was sleeping Natalie...Gino does not have swag Gino...what you're cooking looks vile Gino, if cooking isn't your forte, just bring drinks to the potluck (or like, order a pizza) I mean, like, there's so much to judge Gino for, but him still talking to other women when he and Natalie are in no way exclusive is not one of them So glad that Nicole got an intro walk I'm a bit confused as to how Pedro can already been in love with Sophie Tony, my dude, Vanja did kiss you before so her saying she'd like to date is not totally out of the blue...also you know what show you signed a filming release for And, again, you're like "Oh, is this because we kissed?" LIKE, YEAH, DUDE! KISSING OFTEN MEANS YOU'RE ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED! You know, Tony, you're judging Vanja about rushing things w...

I went to the dentist the other day and while I'm mostly fine at the dentist, I did start to think about how the experience could be better! Some of these ideas are the same or similar to ones I wrote in "15 things I'd try to do if I ran a spa" .  Allow patients to pick their soundtrack (the dental practice could have playlists for them to choose from as well as allow them to submit a playlist/audiobook/podcast of their own ahead of time to be sure whoever is providing them services is okay with that playlist's/audiobook's/podcast's content and tone) Alternatively, allow patients to wear headphones so they can listen to whatever they want Or, maybe at least give me something to look at? Like a screen with a show to watch or cool art or even just a window I can see out of (it could be high up so people can't see into the room) Provide an option for patients to meet with the dentists or technicians who will be providing them service beforehand so they ca...

Time for some new information? OMG! I DON'T NEED TO KNOW THIS, LISA! DO NOT TAKE LISA TO A COOKING CLASS! AND ESPECIALLY DON'T LET HER COOK FOR YOU! Welp, there goes the additional marriages info BUT, no, Lisa, Daniel would be your six spouse, but only your fourth husband...guess we're leaving that part out for now though Sorry, is a Christmas goose full of shit, Molly? Isn't it like cleaned out first? Forrest is an adult and can make his own decisions, Molly Yeah, Rick, your ex not being in your country sure didn't stop you from sleeping with her, did it? Trisha, dump this man Elise, a throuple could actually be what the guy is looking for Is this why Elise's segment is so short? Did she not get the visa? Okay, from Corinne's story, it sounds like Stig and this friend of Corinne's has a messy timeline with Stig Yeah, Aviva, you said call, so she's calling It's also odd that the friend isn't speaking to Aviva, so Corinne could just be talking...

Some of these are newer fandoms, some are classics for me.  Leverage Heated Rivalry The Traitors Teen Wolf Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated Dropout.tv The Sword of Truth Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Star Trek ( TOS and TNG primarily) Firefly Wicked Red, White & Royal Blue His Dark Materials Mothman (and other cryptids) Dungeons and Dragons (Prompt by me)