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Starting my parental journey, part 8

You can read part 1 here, read part 2 here, read part 3 here, read part 4 here, read part 5 here, read part 6 here, and read part 7 here.

I have begun birth control again. Now, that may sound like I'm bailing out of my fertility journey, but it's actually the opposite. In order to get everything ready for the egg retrieval, I need to hop on birth control for a little bit and then hop off. It feels a bit odd to be taking oral birth control, have a birth control arm implant, and be getting ready for an egg retrieval--but that's how it goes (for me at least--getting to keep the arm implant is rare or so I'm told).

People have asked me how I'm feeling about this round of egg retrieval and honestly, I haven't thought about it much yet. I am focused on a big stressful event for work and then C2E2 (Chicago Comics and Entertainment Expo--basically, Chicago's Comic-Con) which I attend every year. Because of these two events (one stressful, one fun), I delayed my egg retrieval until next month. Otherwise, taking the meds would be too complicated and I wouldn't feel very good at these events.

But, I feel like I should take some time to think about how I'm feeling now. In some ways, I'm nervous. The doctor said that this time we'd be more aggressive with the medication so maybe I'll feel more side effects than I did last time. I'm also just nervous that I will have forgotten how to do everything and will have to psych myself up for the injections again. But those are both more minor concerns. I'm mostly nervous about not getting the number of eggs I want yet again. Now, I know that two cycles is what's typical for egg retrieval, but I felt so hyped up to expect to get it in one that I kinda came crashing down. What if this time we get even fewer or--worst case--none at all?

The none at all scenario is also prevalent in my mind because of my weight. I have gained weight since the procedure in February and I'm getting close to being too heavy for them to perform it at all (at least by their standards). What if I do all the steps, get to the procedure room, and then weigh too much? I want to lose weight for a number of reasons (though I'd be lying if I said aesthetics wasn't the number one reason), but I really fear gaining weight during this period of time. I don't want to do anything unhealthy to lose weight during this time, but I also want to be a little more conscious of my choices (though without shaming myself and bringing down my mental health).

I also worry about the increase in medication making me moodier. I have a lot going on in my life that already can put me in a mood at times and I don't really want to make those moods more extreme. This ties back in with my weight gain fear because--to be honest--one of my biggest coping mechanisms is food.

However, I'm also excited about doing another round. I feel like I'm taking control again and that I am setting my future self up to have more options and be freer. Perhaps I will have to try and focus on that.

I'll end this post like I ended my last one. If you have the time and energy, please keep me in your thoughts and/or prayers as I go through all of it, and see this post about ways to support me through it if you're wondering what I may need/want during this time.

(Prompt by me)

"Pregnancy/Baby Bump" by Alabama Extension


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